you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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