Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
