my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
