I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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