Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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