Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
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