I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
