I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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