I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
