I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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