It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
