Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
