yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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