My first STD was from a foam party
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I still have a little drunk in my system
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
