i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
