Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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