I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize