Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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