You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
