On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
