Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
