and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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