last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize