Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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