i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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