All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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