I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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