if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
