I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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