2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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