drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
