Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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