I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
