so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Dicks are not precious.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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