mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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