I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
