Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My boob is missing a layer of skin
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
