There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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