Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
