he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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