I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
