Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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