o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
