My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
