I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize