dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
