chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
