I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
