if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
