I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
