I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
