I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
