So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Operation Purity has been aborted
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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