Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
As shirtless as possible
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize