I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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