If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
