he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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